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April 25th, 2008

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April 19th, 2008

03:41 pm - Maybe a lie is what I need sometimes... Wendy took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs to feel identified with someone or something..." Click here to read the rest of the results. Current Location: living room Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Jimmy Eat World - Carry You (but in my head)

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April 5th, 2008

09:08 pm - You can't keep safe what wants to break... ( I'm reaching my last evening of spring break. ) Current Location: living room Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Jimmy Eat World - Always Be

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March 29th, 2008

06:53 pm - Finding myself making every possible mistake... Macy's old Fujica camera I've been using for my photography class stopped working the other day. Also, the other day, my mom called my grandpa and called him about it. His reaction? Send me one of his old 35mm cameras. So that got here today, and oh, my god, it's so amazing. It's a AE-1 Canon 35mm camera. The standard lens is this FD 50mm lens, but then he also sent an FD zoom lens, which has a range of 75 to 200mm, which includes macro settings, and a Kodak automatic 35mm camera on the side. He included all of the instruction manuals, the warranty, cleaning utensils, et cetera that came with the camera originally and it's all in this cute little compact bag. It's older than I am, this camera, and when I looked through the lenses I felt stronger than ever before that I need a subject. I want to go outside with this thing. I can't WAIT until there are buds on the trees and oh, oh, I just thought about that. Buds on the trees! Insects! SPRING! It's such a macro-friendly season. XD But I haven't said the best thing about this camera. The best thing, the thing that MAKES the entire package for me and has had me in a state of euphoria over the whole gift since I opened it this morning, is that the entire thing smells so very strongly of my grandfather. Like cigars and that one green brand of soap he's ALWAYS used, and kept stored in dozens so his bathroom always smells like that. He lives in Utah, I haven't seen him since June, and this whole thing makes me miss him like crazy. I've already been missing Utah A LOT lately, but now it's very specifically him, and sitting on his lap in the basement of the big pink house, and tasting his beer one time and wondering what the hell happened to you when you turned into an adult to make you like something that tasted similar to vomit. And he's coming out in June! He's coming to visit at the end of May and he'll be here for about a week or so to see my mom's last reading in the MFA program. I love this camera, I love my grandpa, and I'm thrilled. Except I'm so terrified of calling people that I was actually relieved when he didn't answer his phone. That's messed up. But AHH I want to go take pictures. Current Location: my room Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Yael Naim - New Soul

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March 23rd, 2008

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March 22nd, 2008

10:39 pm - Make up your own ending... If you read this, I'm still alive. It's an idea for a story. That, and black snow. Just reminders to myself that I'll probably never look back on. If there were no color, could we still see the beautiful things? && Is it enough to want to feel the appropriate emotion for a given situation? If you can't gather up the sorrow when the bad news comes, if you can't muster up the anger when there is injustice, if you can't smile when a baby is born, is it enough to keep you a decent person if you cry or frown or smile anyway? && Holden Caulfield, in the Novel The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, is on a quest for identity. On his quest, he wears and tosses aside three false masks - that of the sophisticated adult, that of the catcher in the rye, and that of the deaf-mute - before finally realizing the truest image of himself: that of a psychologically damaged boy who must be saved in order to save. How do you condense this into a single sentence? I quite hate thesis statement requirements. && Easter need never come this early again, and it certainly won't in my life time. The calendar says spring started on Friday but it was snowing today. I am very sad. && On the drive home I watched the sun set. There was a streak of cloud for a few minutes across the middle of the sun. I wanted my camera so badly, because it looked like a giant orange snow man in the sky. Then there were times when the sun shone through a row of trees, which in turn were reflected off of a sheet of water below. It was beautiful, but would have been more so if I hadn't had to keep turning up the volume on my iPod in order to drown out my parents shouting at each other. Current Location: my room Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Puddle of Mudd - Blurry

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March 11th, 2008

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March 4th, 2008

10:10 pm - I want to get off and go home again... I'm waiting for No Rain by Blind Melon to download. It's being ridiculously slow. I thought I'd write something down. After a spat with Krista, I walked home. In the freezing rain. Home isn't that far from school, but I didn't have a hood and I was carrying all of my books and my purse, and it took a good twenty minutes. As I walked, I pushed myself forward not with determination and misery, but with a deeply ingrained sense of satisfaction and loneliness I can't quite explain. I couldn't feel my feet, and by the time I got to my yard I had to take off my shoes because they kept falling off. So I ran through the mud and water; it felt like my feet were solid bricks of ice and the grass felt like blades sinking into my flesh. When I got inside, I dropped my bags, stripped down to my underwear, and bent over the bath tub and cried, but not because of the pain. Not because of anything I can really figure out. Still, I felt refreshed when my ears, hands, and feet began to thaw out. I think I had a minor case of frost bite. I don't really know how frost bite works, though, so probably not. I kept thinking while I was walking, I could get frost bite and die, and then I'd say to myself, pshaw! No way in hell. How on earth is a twenty minute's walk in freezing rain going to kill me when human beings make a habit out of LIVING in places like Alaska or Russia? So I've been reorganizing my room and considering talking to Aaron now that I've cooled off. We were good friends, and now that I know not to trust him with anything deeply personal ever again, I can be his friend. Which makes me happy, because I have some damn good memories of Kaitlin, Aaron and I goofing off in Mr. Hake's Algebra 2 class. Damn good memories. My song's not quite downloaded yet. It's being a lot slower than usual. As fragile and delicate as it is, I can't help but want to crush it. Nothing so beautiful has any right to not be strong. Current Location: my room Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: John Mayer - Stop This Train

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February 20th, 2008

12:43 pm - And the sun don't shine anymore... It's days like this, and days when I see rays of sun shining through gray clouds, that I think to myself, maybe there is a god and wonder if my whole atheism thing is just an attempt to distance myself from the world. I really needed this snow day, to collect myself. For the first time since I was a sophomore I didn't do an ounce of homework last night. I've not been myself. The weather man said there'd only be an inch or two of snow. We already didn't have school on Monday. Maybe it's silly to say that something as wide-spread as a snow day can happen just for you, but I really needed this chance to get away from people. What I didn't need was Tristan leaving me a message on facebook. However, another one of those, huh, god? moments is the fact that my facebook account deactivated itself somehow and I can save myself from the urge to respond. It's not that I'm questioning my beliefs, really... I know what I believe. It's just that I'm beginning to, and have been for awhile now, reform the way I think about this 'universe' I keep saying I believe in. I went to Barnes & Noble with Macy Monday night. We didn't realize how shit-tastic the roads were until we were on them. It was an adventure that lasted from 8:30 to 11:30 (the nearest Barnes & Noble is a half hour away) and it was fun, cause it was Macy, Robert, and I and we made fun of ourselves. Macy's the best step-parent anyone could ever ask for, is all I can really think of to say. Anyway, I got Uglies and Pretties and A Thousand Splendid Suns. I read the first two books... finished Pretties last night and ordered the last book of the trilogy, Specials this morning. Very good books. I like them. A Thousand Splendid Suns is amazing; I'm not even half-way through it but it's captured my attention the same way The Kite Runner did. I can feel already that it's going to be one of those books that truly effects my outlook on life. Khaled Housseini is an incredible writer. If he's written any other books, I'm getting my hands on them. So now I've refound reading as a way to escape my own thoughts. However, I have to do my homework. This snow day is a freaking gift, chaotic and random as it is (although it is the middle of February). I must use it to right the wrong of wallowing in self-pity all yesterday. No more of that. Nuh-uh. Current Location: living room Current Mood: tired Current Music: The Band - It Makes No Difference

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February 17th, 2008

10:48 am - Don't you put me on the back-burner... We watched Saved! and youtube videos for hours and we curled up on my bed and didn't have to say a word while I flipped through songs like TV channels. That's why I love her. I found a student-made movie for Catcher in the Rye on youtube, and it's adorable. About an hour long, and it's the reason I think youtube was made in the first place. Because Hollywood would have never cooked that up. Besides, no matter how you look at it, any Hollywood rendition of Catcher in the Rye would ruin it completely. Not that there weren't enough rip-offs... All I really know about my life right now is that I feel really, really lost. Current Location: my room Current Mood: awake Current Music: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done

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February 13th, 2008

08:25 pm - Writer's Block: Hard to Say I'm Sorry Is there anything you've done that you wish you'd apologized for, but didn't? View 500 Answers In seventh and eighth grade I would sit at the same lunch table with the same group of kids, day in and day out. One of those kids I sat with is my current best friend and one of the few people who makes my life worth living. The others have more or less faded out of my life, with an exception here or there. This semester, though, a girl named Jenny started eating the same lunch I do, and it's made me very aware of how much people can change in five years. In middle school, Jenny and I were fairly good friends. At least, it seemed like that's what we were, though now that I look back at it I flinch at the thought of my behavior. When it came to religion and politics, Jenny and I were both radicals at opposite ends of the spectrum. We argued a lot. I mean, so much that I honestly can't remember any time when we ever hung out together and weren't insulting each other's beliefs and clawing at each other with viscious words and half-assed arguments. I don't know about her, but for my part, all I did was parrot my parents. I treated anyone who didn't agree with me like an idiot, and she bore the brunt of it because hers were the beliefs that I protested against most. I remember one day, near the end of seventh grade, when she finally admitted that she was just so scared that I was going to go to hell for my beliefs. I don't know what my reaction to that was, but I ended up making her cry.  She moved, the next year, and went to a Christian school. Now that she's come back, I've mellowed out a lot. I cringe every time I think about how cruel I was, how unnecessary every harsh word that past between us was. I've talked to her once or twice - awkward conversations that die very quickly. It doesn't feel like there are any hard feelings for me on her part, but I'm still ashamed to look her in the eye. I want to apologize so badly for how I treated her, but I don't know how. There are a lot of other people I want to apologize to, whom I never have, but Jenny's the person who came first to mind when I saw this question. So. Current Location: living room Current Mood: tired Current Music: American Idol Tags: belated apology, writer's block

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February 11th, 2008

06:22 pm - Always wait till we're under the covers, saying, "Sure glad we're not lovers." It's the New Year. A drunken man lurches across the street like a scratch; he's stumbling, that's how we know he's drunk. We speculate about everything that's ever meant a thing to either one of us and even though it's past midnight in the dead of winter, we're outside without shoes or jackets on, sitting, just sitting on her front porch. I want moments like that to last forever, and I think they do. They're the moments I still think I'm a part of, sometimes, the moments when I feel like I will never leave or want to leave. It's amazing, that I can get so stir crazy, and every inch of me screams in protest against the monotony of the way I'm living, but it's the thought that I'm forever trapped in moments like those that liberates me. I settle down for a moment if I can believe that I'm still sitting on that porch with her by my side, and she's still dating her first boyfriend and I'm still being flung head first into falling in love for the first time. That's one moment. There are times when I feel like I've never left my spot under the slide in my step-mother's backyard. I'm still nine years old and filled with confusion and indignation. All five of my little sisters are inside eating lunch, but dad's not home so the door is locked and I can't get in. It's Utah in the middle of July and all I want is a sandwich. After maybe an hour of screaming, I've finally settled into the dusty shadow beneath the swing set. The hours are still trickling by. I've imagined all of this life (Ohio, Krista, Northmont, Tristan) in my head, just waiting for the moment when my step-mom will open the door and let me inside and ask me if I'm sorry for saying I hated her. (Well, I am now. That woman is one of the most incredible women I have ever met, now. She was young, then. I can't claim to understand her motives, but I don't blame her for them. I've been known to do some pretty damn wretched things, too.) There are so many of these moments that I feel like I'm still trapped in. Some of them, I don't want to write about, even think about, but they're constantly plaguing my thoughts, anyway. All it takes is a smell or a word or a sound, a color, a thought... and I'm trapped in one of those moments again. My present life becomes a dream. It's so damn hard to explain. I can't, I just can't. I used to think I was a writer but, the truth is, I'm not, because I don't like words. I love language, but I don't like it at all. I think an image, a smile, a touch - those mean so much more. It's not a struggle to share a smile, but I spend so much time struggling to coherently express my thoughts into words. All it takes, with the right people, is a nudge here, a glance there. Some things I read make me feel as if I'm reading the grin, the picture, that would make me feel like the writer and I are on the same plane. But I can't write like that. I'm just stuck in a thousand moments and the present scares me. I want a snow day tomorrow. Ha. Current Mood: cold Current Music: Kimya Dawson - I'm Sorry That Sometimes I'm Mean

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February 8th, 2008

07:10 pm - There's nothing wrong with Ohio, except the snow and the rain... This is exactly what I'm looking for. Well, not exactly, because it doesn't have you traveling outside of the country. But... it's definitely a start. So my plans for next year are to be a part of the PSEO program, taking a high-level Spanish course (I'm pretty fluent in reading the language, at least!) and maybe a sociology or business management course or something. I've already submitted the first part of the application, which is a big deal to me. Usually I get too scared to go through with stuff like this. I've lost a lot of opportunities because I'm too nervous to approach figures of authority with the idea that I actually know what I want. But I want this, badly, so I talked to Mr. Patton today and... the application process is something I'm actually going to through with. Which is a start. And I really believe I'll get in. Then after I graduate, I don't want to go straight to college. I want to take a year off, and I think the AmeriCorps thing is a really good idea. Especially the program I've linked above. And since I'm not on my own laptop at the moment, I wanted to post the link here so I could bookmark it later. ...This weather is crappy. My brother didn't wake up in time for me to take him outside and get some pictures. I'm worried. The film assignment's due on Wednesday and so far I only have two pictures taken out of twenty-four. And I have a migraine. (Still happy, though.) Current Location: living room Current Mood: content Current Music: Bowling for Soup - Ohio (Come Back to Texas!)

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February 6th, 2008

08:17 pm - And I'm waiting for my rocket, yeah... ( I'm not sure what this is. ) So for once I feel like I have a reason to stay in Englewood and I'm not itching to get the hell out of here. I think I'm actually happy. I expect it to go away again at any moment, as it usually does, but I'm sort of thinking maybe it won't, because I haven't cried myself to sleep in about a week and I haven't tried to contact Tristan against my better judgment in about two weeks and I haven't felt that all-consuming sort of loneliness since that one night with Kaitlin and Krista. Not that there aren't a lot of nights with Kaitlin and Krista. My first photography assignment for my class is people, so hopefully by next week I'll have some nice black & white pictures and I can figure out just how good I'm going to be at this. I mean, I've taken some pretty amazing pictures with my digital camera. I'm so excited for learning the manual/traditional style. Granted, the fact that I have to take all of my pictures outside, in this weather, is a bit daunting. :) Just felt like writing something. Current Location: my room Current Mood: calm Current Music: Jason Mraz - Curbside Prophet

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February 2nd, 2008

04:47 pm - I am the wanderer's wandering daughter... I'm lucky enough to be baby-sitting my cousin. Means I'm not going to be completely poor. YAY! I haven't had access to the internet in days. I won't again until my mom gets home from New York... except right now I'm using my aunt's. I thought I'd get really bored without the internet. Really, I'm just fine without it. Current Location: aunt's house Current Mood: amused Current Music: my cousin

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January 25th, 2008

10:10 pm - We both have shiny happy fits of rage... I'll run away westward, work as a waitress for a year, and then apply for a college there and pay in-state tuition. It's the best way to get out of Ohio. It's the perfect plan for who I am and who I want to be. Macy brought it up, and of course mother glared at him and told me quite firmly that what I'm experiencing is probably just an early onset of senioritis, since, you know, I'm so smart and all. Every time I've ever tried to talk to her, she blows everything off - it's not that she doesn't care, it's just that she's so overeager to... be right. I don't know. In her world, the only reason I'm ever depressed is because of the weather, the only reason I want to get out of here is because of an early onset of senioritis, and the only reason I'm ever a bitch is because I'm seventeen. OK. There's... exactly the reason I avoided LJ for so long. I'm too tempted to whine and it's rather unattractive. XD I've decided I am in love with the dark room. It's my home - the minute I enter I feel at peace, a sense of belonging and purpose. Because you only go back there if you have something to do, and you do it, and it gets done. I want to have a dark room, someday, and a really nice camera with tons of different lenses that can shoot close ups and such. I really want to experiment with different exposure periods, because some of the pictures I've seen with lighters, cars, etc. are just incredible. I want another family/family friends bonfire, but of course, we don't get another one of those until October. Damn! But come October I'll be able to take some of the most incredible pictures ever that come right out of my childhood memories. I keep itching to write a poem and then falling short. I need inspiration. I've been listening to the Juno soundtrack, and it's putting me in this mood (I am so easily influenced by music, it's not even funny) that's just. Alive. Happy. I want to write, but I haven't tried for anything lengthy or creative in so long that I wouldn't know where to start. Anything I think of automatically sounds superficial. So. My assignment to myself this weekend is to write a poem or short story that I am not terrified of and am willing to share. Good goal. (Kind of boring/awkward post.) Current Location: my room Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Michael Cera & Ellen Page - Anyone Else But You

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January 24th, 2008

09:59 pm - Come on, go, and I'll take your picture... She isn't, she isn't, she isn't. My lack of religion... well, it's not like a prayer, but I feel like... well, I'm not asking for it. It just has to be. She isn't, because she can't be, because... she can't. I refuse. So this is the closest thing to a prayer I know how to utter, because I'm incapable of asking for something that isn't to not be. I just don't know how... I mean, how do you ask the universe for a favor when you firmly believe that the universe cannot be swayed from things that have already been decided? I'm not making any sense. I never do. She has to know, I'll do anything for her. I am rather pissed. Well, not pissed. Just. Disappointed? Yeah, disappointed. Because... she's smarter than that. She always has been. She should have known better than to let him... How can she still see herself as a virgin? Because he pulled out? How could she do something so incredibly stupid when she's so fucking smart? One of the most intelligent people I have ever met. If her dad kicks her out of the house? She'll get so stressed. She's the happiest, most content person I know in that she accepts life as life and loves it, but if... if she is... then... I don't want to see her struggle to keep that vivacity. It comes so naturally to her. She's so SMALL... It's not my problem. It's not mine. I shouldn't be complaining about it like it is. Only I'm so WORRIED about her. And I can't help but be pissed at her boyfriend, for asking, for saying, "If you're pregnant, I might just die." How could he SAY that? That's the cruelest thing... I mean, I should give him more credit. He's a good guy and. UGH. She'll call me tomorrow night with the results. I need to finish my homework. :( Current Location: living room Current Mood: worried Current Music: my step-dad talking to Robert

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January 21st, 2008

01:04 pm - There's a darkness living deep in my soul... I really doubt she's pregnant. Honestly, how likely is it to get pregnant when you haven't even had sex? She says there's a chance, though, because she and her boyfriend aren't exactly careful when it comes to those situations. If she is, if she isn't... I'll do anything for her. I wonder if she knows that. I wonder if she understands the extent of it. She listens to me when all I can do is sob that I miss him, that nearly a year has gone by and I still can't go to sleep without remembering the sound of his voice, the light in his eyes, the laughter we shared together. She tells me that she believes there are no background people in this world, that everyone will be loved and will love. A part of me believes her. A part of me feels just as empty as ever. What have I ever shown a passion for? What I told her is: Everything I am is mediocre. What she told me is: She wouldn't be who she is without me. She loves herself, and so much of that is because of how I've effected her throughout these past five years. Here's the thing: She could never possibly understand how much that means to me. How much I love her and how much she makes my life worth living. Because these days, I don't know what I'm living for. I'm just waiting for my love of photography to fall through, to prove itself to be just as false and uninspiring as every other endeavor I've ever attempted. I'm just waiting to lose all feeling towards my violin and the music, like I have towards writing, fencing, even archery, to a degree. Just waiting. She tells me to keep on living, that she can't help me the way I'm asking to be helped. That's why I love her more than anyone else in the world. Because she knows I'm the only one who can fix what's broken in me, and she's the only person I've ever met who has understood that and been able to tell me it, to help me believe it, through my darkest hours. I might resent her so much, sometimes. I might feel like I want to strangle her, to stop talking to her, to scream at her. But in the end, it just comes down to the fact that nobody in the world is as lucky as I am, except her boyfriend. He and I understand, I think. And if he doesn't, he doesn't deserve her. (But I truly believe he does.) And that's it for now. Current Location: my room Current Mood: sad Current Music: Everclear - Turn Your Lights On

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January 20th, 2008

10:12 pm - These are the times we'll remember... Kaitlin came over today, around 4-ish. We went to Grounds for Pleasure, played two games of chess and two games of checkers. I beat her at chess both times and we each beat each other once at checkers. I had chai tea and a Bawls. I'm beginning to think no one will ever fall in love with me again. I'm damaged. I wonder if it's possible for a person to be damaged and flawed to just the right degree that they lose all of their capacity for being loved. Current Location: my room Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Plain White T's - Our Time Now

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January 19th, 2008

07:39 pm - I feel like a hero... Today, my mom and I went down to Main Street. Stopped first at Dayton Band to pick up a new A string and resin block for my violin, then the Brd House where we got some coffee and my mom freaked out. You mean this is where you and your friends hang out all the time? This is awesome! Like she's surprised I have good tastes. :) We went to Clicks and I got five rolls of film for my camera, some lens-cleaning material, batteries, and a lens cap. Cost me $65. Now I've made this new LJ account. It's a new start, you see? Current Location: my room Current Mood: alive Current Music: Boys Like Girls - Hero/Heroine

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